Animal Jokes |
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1. Two guys in a jungle
come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground. One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion. The second guy hisses: "What are you doing, you can't outrun the lion" And the first guy says: "No, but all I have to do is outrun you"! |
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2. Harry says to his pet parrot
Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to
get laid." So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore. After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room. There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers. "Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?" Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!" |
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3.A frog telephones the Psychic
Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who
will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class." |
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4. A man absolutely hated his
wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20
blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" |
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5. A man runs into the vet's
office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back
to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination
table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly
agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." |
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6. This guy walks into a bar with
his golden retriever. "Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog
talks for you?" "Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass." "Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?" "Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender. "THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!" "Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?" "Ruff!" "What the hell are you tryin' to pull, mister?" "Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?" "Ruth." The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy. "Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?" |
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7. Little Nancy was in the garden
filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested
in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What
are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat." |
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8. Once there was a golfer whose
drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to
hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand
and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat
in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." |
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9. A man was driving down a quiet
country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back." |
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10. Three guys sitting in a bar
around a log fire with their dogs, and get talkin' about them. First
one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker." The dog grabs
a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful
figurine. Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges. Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door." |
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11. The UN sponsored a
competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants. The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire." The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account." The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear." The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s" Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People" The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant" But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead" |
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12.A Pole and a Chezck go bear
hunting. When they don't come back their friend go looking for them. They find two tracks leading into the wood and follow them to a clearing. There are two guns on the ground and blood all over and they realize that the bears must have eaten their friends. There is a loud crashing noise and a much roaring and the two bears (a male and a female) rush them. Blasting away with the guns the friends kill the female while the male gets away. They find on cutting open the female the remains of their Polish friend. This can only mean one thing... The Chezck is in the male |
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13.
There were these two not so bright guys
who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money
for a car they decided to buy a camel. The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left. They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. So finally the first guy says: "I have an idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw." The second gut thought about this for a while and finally agreed. After a while the first guy asks "Well is it working?" The second guy replied "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud." |
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14.Two
guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger
appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took
out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other
guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you
will run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you." |
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15.A
young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first
few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -chickens, cows,
crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?" |
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16.A
grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender
turns to the grasshopper and says "hey, you know we have a drink named
after you?" The grasshopper responds "why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?" |
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