Kids Jokes
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1.Two
little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As
they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually
asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?" "I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim. "Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!" "Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered. "Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!" |
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2.A
priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior
for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their
parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. "Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited. "Don't be loud," said another, and so on. "And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap." |
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3.A little kid asks his father,
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?" |
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4.Little Johnny was walking down
the beach, and he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach
umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a
Christian?" "Yes." she replied. "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?" |
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5.Mary's
fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words
in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the
word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He
explained that being frugal meant you saved something. Her paper read: "Frugal: to save." Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!'" |
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6."Hey,
Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not." "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' " |
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7.Little
Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in
Arithmetic today. "Why?" asks his father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6". "But that's right," said his father. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' "What's the fucking difference?" asks his father. "That's what I said!" |
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8.A
little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his
mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?" |
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9.A 2nd grade teacher decides to
teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the
chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth." |
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10.A
mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy
said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." |
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11.A
father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for. |
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12.A
man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked,
"Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man." |
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13.Three
boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" |
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14.A
father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a
new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked. "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!" |
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15.Freddie
ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands.
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the
turtle out to her. His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?" |
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16.A
little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband." |
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17.Little
Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat." |
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