Love and Marriage Jokes
|
1."I have a bad headache.
I'll visit the doctor." "Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?" "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over." |
|
2.Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion
is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like
it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife
explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet. The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!! |
|
3.Recently I was so embarrassed
at my wedding, at the rehearsal, the minister told my father, 'As you
give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something
nice to him.' My father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.During the wedding ceremony, he placed my hand on my new husband's arm and said, 'No deposit, no return.' |
|
4.Three women were talking about
their love lives. The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful." The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going." |
| 5.A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." |
|
6.A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious
to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best
man takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!'' |
|
7.There was this construction
worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand
saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to
call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy
could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy
on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." |
|
8.One day a construction worker left the job a little early,
and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple
with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where
he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire." |
|
9.Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they
can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." |
|
10.There are four nuns at the gates of heaven waiting to be let
in by St. Peter. He goes to the first nun and says "before I let you
in, I trust there's no sexual experience, for example have you ever
touched a man's penis?" to which the nun replies that she once "sort
of poked one". "OK" says St. Peter, "I can forgive you if you go and
dip that finger in the holy water, then you can go into heaven." The second nun comes up and St. Peter asks her "have you ever touched a man's penis?". The second nun replies "well, I once held one in my hand". St. Peter shakes his head and says "that's not good for a nun, but if you dip your whole hand into the holy water, you can go into heaven." At that point the fourth nun barges past the third nun and says to St. Peter "can I go next, I want to wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in it." |
|
11.Margie meets a friend coming out of the Beauty Salon. 'Ethel
darling, what happened to your hair...it looks like a wig' It is a wig Margie! Oh really? You'd never know! |
|
12.A young man had seriously
dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to
marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear." The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so." The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear." The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and do you know which one he decided to marry? - The one with the biggest tits! |
|
